Sometimes, life moves so fast...You know you are losing on something but you don’t have much option. I never ever thought what was coming when I wrote “Don’t bug me, hug me!” on a poster for the room. Now I am being paid for finding bugs!! I used to despise hectic office life...zombies rising from bed early morning, flying mechanically in a swarm, spending 9 hours at so-called-work, fly back...start off again! And now, I don’t mind when I see the office herd in the concrete farm mocking me and welcoming me to be a part of it. This is my escape...from myself. Being occupied for 14 hours hardly gives you time for things that you have decorated around for your life. God has been so kind to me, again!! Everytime!! How does he manage to make so many instant changes without affecting others? And how is it perfect for everyone? Now, I can remove things that pain me and keep things for which I can tolerate the pain. Friends call me to make sure I am still on earth and make me realize how boring and silent I have become, that’s so beautiful of them! And allow me to tell you all have enriched my life!!! I still have my moments filled with life so I can’t say I’m drained out.
Today while getting down from the metro stairs I was totally unaware of the incident that would keep haunting me for the rest of the day may be for days. A very normal looking lady was walking ahead of me. As I approached near her, my eyes fell on something in her right hand. It looked like a small stuff toy, probably a puppy...light brown and very clean in texture. As I came closer I realized what I was seeing. I know I didn’t scream but my ears heard it. I quickened my pace and tried to walk away as fast as I could. It was not at all pleasant as I was thinking. Was it a big ginger root?? It was her hand...a deformed one, painfully swollen and huge. It must be heavy for her!
Seeing it I felt as if someone has ruthlessly shaken me from a sweet deep sleep. Seeing it so close, I couldn’t think anything else but ugliness of human beauty. No animal is as ugly and worthless as human. You love so many people in your lives. You want to live with them, be surrounded by them for your whole life. What happens when they die?? Can you keep them any longer?? Do you want to keep them any longer?? You try to get rid of them as soon as possible!
You think you are free. But are you really? Suddenly I was feeling suffocated in my own body. What an ugly cage for me? For me the freedom was to ask nothing, expect nothing and depend on nothing!! Now I am too shallow to feel it, feel anything! I still pray that whatever I saw, let it be my mind’s imagination.
I can still imagine it as if I am seeing it in front of my eyes. I don’t know why this has affected me so much. It was like a truth that was shown to you involuntarily!! Yesterday one of my cousins was telling me an incident about some relative’s death. The husband crossed the road but after hearing a loud crash turns back to find his wife thrown several meters away on road, dead. I think I didn’t hear anything after. What I remember is the sound of wind blowing furiously in my ears as he rode his bike and I prayed never to make anyone unfortunate enough to see their loved ones die in front of them. And for the first time I started fearing the speed of the metallic ride. No chance to survive the super busy road with super fast vehicles if you lost balance once. My mind almost showed me the scenario. Weird!!
In morning I had realized that I haven’t talked at home for complete two days. It was a big deal because mom makes a point to communicate almost daily. And in case of gap for even one day she would call to ask if we have been too busy to care? I was alarmed of the sudden silence. In evening when could not take more of the annoyance created by the morning incident I called home. Sometimes, when you are ready to be the needle everything around you becomes a hammer. Every time, I talk to my grandparents, all they want to know is when I am coming to meet them. With a very soft caring voice, dadi asked me to visit her. I was trying to recall when was the last time I saw her when she told it has been a whole year!! I smiled to myself, it had been only 5 months!!
Human nature is selfish. No offense in it. It was made this way. You lie when you are afraid, you want something to hold on to when you are afraid, you hurt others when you are afraid, you search for love when you are afraid, you leave when you are afraid...
I apologize if you found this post unpleasant. But what more do you expect from the one who thinks she has been dislocated, forgets the start of the sentence as she reaches its end, who doesn’t feel the need to impress others, who likes treasuring her rudeness, who is fascinated about how loving teaches you to understand God!
Take care friends,
God bless you!
