ye saali zindagi...

Finally, it rained after so many days of torturing heat and boiling afternoons. As if, God has showered all his peace on this earth once and all. There is sweetness in birds’ twittering and a pleasant holy calmness in the air. It’s like one finally gets a tiny corner to rest after a tedious long day of hardship. Like one gets a glass full of water after acute thirst. Mom is sleeping peacefully rather than cursing the summer and worrying about the world-stuffs. So is dadi.

But it’s not the same for me. For this weather has created unrest in me. The helplessness I’ve been feeling from few days has suddenly gripped tight my fears and anxieties. Why am I running after this illusion? Why am I still hoping for more pain in this myth? Why is one fighting, taking pain, sweating blood...only to be alone at last? What is it we are supposed to search? What choices we are allowed to make...Are these so called choices again conspiracy of an already planned life. It better be this way because then I don’t have to blame me for it.

A highly rich and powerful chief minister of a prosperous state loses his life partner of more than 50 years to death. What was giving meaning to his life before and what it is now? He is crying like any other layman who cries at death of his family member. For whom did he get involved in the dirty-job of politics? Will he be again starting for a new meaning?

“Every time I find the answer, life changes the question!!”

Sometimes, life is like a mother: watching you taking our first step. When you fall, she just stands there smiling and waits till you stand up again and walk to her happily. Her presence is enough for you to get relaxed. Life is then a gift. Sometimes, she is like a cruel boss: abusing you, mocking your worth. No matter how you may have spent your last breath doing a job, he has more work for you and a different way to do it. No room for mercy and definitely no word for appreciation. Sometimes, she is like a heartless friend: You try to please them, giving more than what you have and she is unmoved, indifferent saying “I didn’t ask you to do it”. Sometimes, she is like an annoying blonde waitress: Every time serving you with whatever you didn’t order or serving whatever you ordered cold.

Sometimes, she is like a master and you are her pet dog: looking up at her for her love. She feeds you, opens your chains whenever she likes, put them back on you again. She throws a ball and asks you to fetch it. And when you bring it back, it throws the ball again!! And like every dog you are demanded loyalty at every cost. You stay away from other dogs just to be with your master. The only time you get enjoying yourself is when you dig out your buried bone, play with it or lick it, and again bury it for another time.

At the end, all that matters is one’s perception. How can you better put it in this way? She is like a driving teacher: you think you have the steering wheel and other controls in your hands...but it’s actually he who controls the clutch and accelerator and you are supposed to drive on the path he chooses. To learn to drive you need to trust him completely. And you need to be confident and calm so that he can trust you.

As Abhinav Bindra remarked after winning the gold at the Olympics: "It was a sort of emptiness. You climb the mountain and there is nothing at the top. When you work so hard to achieve something and you get it at the end, there is a feeling of emptiness. But then life goes on..."

A Wounded Silk-II

For connecting better to the story read the first part, A Wounded Silk.

Just as no story should be left untold, no story should be left unfinished...Incomplete stories have possibly many ways to end it and one can leave it onto time and probability or uncertainty…this can happen, that can happen, this could also have happened…But mine had already been written.

It must have been few weeks since I got stuck to this tree but, it seemed ages. It must have been few storms, rains and sunshines but I counted centuries of them. Waiting gets tough when one doesn’t know for what he is waiting and for how long he is to continue hoping? It was the same thing happening to me. I used to get tired after my failed attempts to get free and often got irritated and scared. I don’t know from whom I was angry...the tree, the wind or my wish to fly like the wind. And I know those two cannot be blamed because they are not wrong. It was much later when the purpose of waiting struck me...It was to stop and see the world in a different way. It was my halt for a moment.

It was only when I heard the echo of the wind I realized what place was it. It was coming from some snow covered mountains! I was for a moment awestruck and looked around with rapt attention. The place was surrounded by high mountains artistically drawn with white and brown colors…the earth below was quiet and humble…The stillness of the place could not be shaken otherwise by the echo that swings around majestically before vanishing to the skies…the sky, where the wind lived. It was a dreamland. All this while and I was totally unaware!! A valley so beautiful, shy and splendid in its appearance. Mountains have stood there from ages and thus are wise and humble. How do I know? I don’t know. I could hear shepherds guiding their flocks at some distance and children hopping and singing playfully. It was a pleasant distraction from the pain. The tree provided a vantage point and I enjoyed the little chatter around.

At that moment when the day was descending and the snow was turning back from silvery to white, I saw a little girl standing just beneath me. She was scared and seemed to be hiding from something or someone. She was wearing a woolen single piece dress that covered the whole of her and covered herself with a white muffler. She looked like a cute ball of yarn in that attire. And this cute thing was hiccuping. I was amused. A scared face that was perfectly cut round and red dry chubby cheeks. Her brown hair tightly locked into two plaits that could barely make up to her neck. What was making her hide?

Maybe I should make her aware of my presence and that she is not alone. I tried to reach to her hands...wanted to touch her to comfort her but I couldn’t reach her. My stuck part hurt and I couldn’t pull myself further. Maybe I could get to her shoulders, just rest myself onto them. No success. I swung a bit and managed to stroke her hair. She screamed, jumped and fell down. Oops! I scared her even more. And then she sat looking at me...with her small green eyes wide open. They were the most fine and stunning crystals I have ever seen. They brought a nostalgic feeling...they looked innocent just as I had been once. For a moment I saw a glimpse of my reflection in them. When was the last time I saw myself? Time must have stood still as she stared at me and I swayed between her eyes and my reflection in them. God only knows what was that feeling...fear of seeing me alone trapped in there? Or guilt of scaring the kid? They say if I had a heart I would have known.

A boy came running to her, knelt down and said to her laughing, “Got you, little meow!!”. Oh! Was it a hide and seek? How stupid I am! The little meow picked up a stick and ran after the boy around the tree. Ah! One tough fighter with no more hiccups. And then the boy suddenly turned, lifted the kid and tickled her before they fell down. The kid was still laughing loudly, the fear gone. So was mine...it was so much fun that I laughed and fluttered to my full length.

“Let’s go home kid”, the boy told her. I stopped waving. Is she leaving? Just like that? Does she know I was concerned about her? Does anyone know for how long I have been here? I wanted them to stay. I tried to pull down myself again hastily. Maybe if they return tomorrow they can find me. Wait. I can see those little hands coming up for me. YES! She cares. She unsuccessfully jumped to reach me. The boy then came near and took me off the branch after some efforts. At last! I was free. I remember he wrapped me around her neck and said, “What are you going to do with it. It is without any owner”. And things (people) without any owner are unfortunate. But she lightly touched me…the softest I have known in my span of existence.

For some next weeks, I was in a totally different world. She kept me with her and took me out to play with her friends. I enjoyed with the village kids. The kids kept me busy and happy enough. They used to run around, shout and play and return home at the end of the day. Sometimes she would tie me to a stick and ran. Sometimes she used me to hit some stout boys and I loved it. Sometimes the kids pulled against each other at my opposite ends. It made me weak but this new way of using me was interesting…I often slipped off from the other child’s hands. Little meow laughed when they fell clumsily. I used to get anxious when she slept. Can’t I be out and away? Maybe she can take me to the snow someday?

At those moments, I missed the wind. But now I had no hurry to go back to the wind and no wish to stay with the kids. I knew once she gets a new toy she would leave me but I was not afraid because this was certain that something next would come up or the wind again. Since I was no more useful and beautiful no one could steal me and no one could feel like keeping me safe in a cupboard.

One fine day, I was out with the kids. They were having a bonfire and this time the boy from the first day was also present. He was making them sit in a circle and was probably making them play some new game. Everyone was excited. It required lot of running and when kids are allowed to run they are on wheels! Soon there was chaos all around…chattering, hopping and laughter. It was getting way too lousy for me and I started having an uneasy feeling. I couldn’t hold on longer and didn’t notice when I fell on the ground near the bonfire. I could feel the grass beneath me, hot enough to harm me. I looked out for Little meow but couldn’t make out as every other kid had the same dress. The boy then blew a whistle and directed all of them to a nearby stall. Wait. You forgot me!! Everyone was leaving and I laid there and waited for that single face to turn back. No. Few moments gone. No one returned. I was forgotten.

Now I knew no one will return and if they return they won’t find me. I was finally on a journey…journey from a silk scarf to the wind. As I felt the burning sensation on my end I knew it would take me only few moments. I looked up to the sky. I thought of my people. I wondered where they were at this moment. What were they doing? Did they know I have come this far? Did they know all that I have come to know? Well, they must be safe and cozy somewhere. I had no regrets either. I had an ideal life till I fell in love with the wind, became an outlaw afterward…I saw the world, learnt to fly, learnt to be humble and patient, learnt to serve my purpose…

And what else can I ask more…I will be flying with the wind…after the fire will burn my fabric into fumes that will get dissolved in the wind…No one can stop me then...I will be free...I will be the wind.


P.S. You might think the end is still missing. I have tried  my best to bring it closest to the climax. Still, by nature I like to keep a story incomplete so to allow the mysterious forces to make changes if they wish. So that one can say, And life goes on!

No Title This Time

It was an usual cold and sunny morning as I woke up today. My head was still heavy and running wild like a processor left running for days processing unnecessary information or like a machine gone crazy executing commands in an infinite loop. Yes, this is how I  can imagine and can better explain my brain. It accepts data like vision, figures, sounds, expressions, emotions, gestures and try to process them into information. Sometimes, this information gets so complex that it is unable to understand, so it dumps it giving it a garbage value and then keep the rest in its database. And sometimes it gets confused between two commands. But when too much information begins to flow,i.e. in chaotic conditions (emotionally and logically), it shuts itself down to prevent a system crash and begins to reboot!! And this is why it has been able to develop some simple guidelines of its own. People may call it dumb or a freak but I know its not. Yes a mechanical heart is less dangerous.

And I believe this is how you too will be feeling when you are waking up from some horrifying and horrendous dreams from past few days. It may sound like a fictional metaphysical mystery where you are having some recurrent nightmares!!! Where you maybe saving friends from some beautiful cannibals and getting their attention instead! Or an unfortunate apocalypse in a metropolitant city causing chaos and suffering around you! Or getting lost in some strange land with some unknown people, again where you are helping each other out and saving them from some evil looking Voldemort because you are meant to but atlast you see yourself dying helplessly! Or when you get caught in a maze of stairs(that's my favourite childhood nightmare!) that can transform themselves, never actually lead you to anywhere but keep taking you to places that you have never intended to go and sometimes end abruptly! Or a massive volcano erruption just near your colony or a meteorite rain and you decide to go out to bring people back home. And in all these you are busy saving others but falling into trouble. Was I a Samurai fighter, or some cosmo crazy scientist!! Never mind. These nightmares aren't my concern anyways.

So, after some moments of wondering and laughing at my self I finally decided to venture out of my blanket. As usual I checked my cell phone and found a message flashing that read, "Software update available. Update Now?", with two options of Update and Later. I pressed the Later option in irritation and stepped out.

Earlier in winter mornings, we used to go to the window to check the weather. The house just opposite to us which belonged to an old Bengali couple used to be our parameter...It was definitely not cold if it was visible and the day would be normal...A light fog flying across its red brick wall meant it was pretty cold plus wintery breeze outside. An invisible house with white foreground meant, IT WAS PERFECT! It meant that we can now blow "cigarette smoke" from our mouth. The best punishment in winters you can give others is by putting your threatening chilled hands on their cheeks. For further pleasure keep it for a long time. You just raise your hands and see the horror in their eyes and the pain in their scream...ha ha. That was an easy revenge my brothers took from me. And yes, one more dreadful thing to happen in winters, a hit on your foot when they are almost numb with cold. I was just gifted with it few days back by my sweet liltle devil (my brother). Believe me, it is a feeling as if your foot is hit after freezing it by liquid nitrogen so that it can break like a raddish broken in two equal halves...But now these mornings are more monotonous and arid. You know there would be wind, there may be sunshine, doesn't matter.

After sometime when I again checked my phone I found the same message being displayed again. And this time I decided to let it update itself. Why should it be running ho-hum like my days. And then just to avoid myself getting bored to death I explored the OVI store for the first time. I know I should have done it long ago but then I was least interested.  And to my surprise I enjoyed it. But this is what happens when we are busy 'living' and we overlook some of the life hidden in the corners. And it was then that I got this very amusing thought...What if everyday life asks us for updates with options, "Aaah, yes! thanksss" and "Maybe Later". Soon after you open your eyes, a virtual screen would welcome you and asks what would you like to have...And then you could login to the "LIFE store" and browse among various options available to you!! By the time you have a bath and get ready, the options would have completed downloading!!crazy...

So atlast now my cell phone has a dark orange theme to suit my mood.