Random thoughts...on water!

Friends, I am re-publishing this post after a sweet suggestion from a distant friend. I had deleted this post after I so-called-came-back-to-my-senses thinking how stupid human can be. But it's really assuring to know that there are some people who encourage your stupidity or say, weirdness. And actually call it amazing...And yes that doesn't make you feel out of place!! or say I'm out of place but to a different one where I'm not alone!!! I no more regret what I wrote...And her comment gave my post a brand new title! :)

"It's astonishing to see the power of ONE moment. There's a time when you feel miserable, don't feel like doing anything and feel restless at the same time, even something called musical seems to be a noise, a company seems to be a crowd, amazed by your slothfulness you just prefer waiting...And the very next moment you act as if you can complete all your pending tasks of yours as well as others, start new ones, laugh and actually want to talk to people present around you. What a pity is this, your uncertainty depends on another uncertainty. Any type of worry, loneliness, trouble, anger seeks something that could help to fulfill them. There is no point you feel in thinking whether it's right or wrong!!

Too many thoughts are as dangerous as none. I don't know what I'm suffering with. I wish I had that magic wand that could take out your thoughts on water and make you realize what is actually going on. May be this is what soul mates do. they are your magic wands. Why sometimes you feel so complete within yourself that you don't need any support where as sometimes you desperately search for a meaning to complete you. More, more and more...a journey to no where! There was a time, when you so much loved your family that you thought you would never leave it for anything. Why study abroad, why work anywhere for the amount that you can spend in one day if you want...when you can stay with your people and work, why stay at some place where every wall reminds you of the 'home sweet home' you left behind. You only realize how your desires have made you travel so far when you look back. Those emotions get coated with certain harshness that life leaves on you.

It's so much important to stay happy with yourself than with others...respect your decisions, understand yourself, take care of yourself because you are always with You whether alone or in crowd. It's so much required to be true to yourself in your work, feelings or thoughts. I sometimes think so carelessly I have spent my life that my wallet is so finished. I didn't save anything that could help me now. May be that's why your job earnings and life's earnings are very different and help you in very different realms.

At some points when everyone takes a power nap to rebuild themselves up again with an audit of their life so far, I too feel like pulling my chair near the fireplace and sit. The only thing that makes you feel content is the presence of one person that holds the key to your life, your soul. You know all your wrong doings, painful words, evil thoughts will be taken care of by him(/her)...It's the same feeling when you are at your death bed. You know you are going back to your home. Your father will take care of you now. How bad you were, if you love your father truly deeply madly he will accept you. This lucky you get when you have that one person, your life partner and your death partner!!

There's one beautiful poignant song that is so beautifully written and composed and can be related by any one who listens it. Let's see if you all like it. Enjoy!"

Virtual reality?

Sometimes, life moves so fast...You know you are losing on something but you don’t have much option. I never ever thought what was coming when I wrote “Don’t bug me, hug me!” on a poster for the room. Now I am being paid for finding bugs!! I used to despise hectic office life...zombies rising from bed early morning, flying mechanically in a swarm, spending 9 hours at so-called-work, fly back...start off again! And now, I don’t mind when I see the office herd in the concrete farm mocking me and welcoming me to be a part of it. This is my escape...from myself. Being occupied for 14 hours hardly gives you time for things that you have decorated around for your life. God has been so kind to me, again!! Everytime!! How does he manage to make so many instant changes without affecting others? And how is it perfect for everyone? Now, I can remove things that pain me and keep things for which I can tolerate the pain. Friends call me to make sure I am still on earth and make me realize how boring and silent I have become, that’s so beautiful of them! And allow me to tell you all have enriched my life!!! I still have my moments filled with life so I can’t say I’m drained out.

Today while getting down from the metro stairs I was totally unaware of the incident that would keep haunting me for the rest of the day may be for days. A very normal looking lady was walking ahead of me. As I approached near her, my eyes fell on something in her right hand. It looked like a small stuff toy, probably a puppy...light brown and very clean in texture. As I came closer I realized what I was seeing. I know I didn’t scream but my ears heard it. I quickened my pace and tried to walk away as fast as I could. It was not at all pleasant as I was thinking. Was it a big ginger root?? It was her hand...a deformed one, painfully swollen and huge. It must be heavy for her!

Seeing it I felt as if someone has ruthlessly shaken me from a sweet deep sleep. Seeing it so close, I couldn’t think anything else but ugliness of human beauty. No animal is as ugly and worthless as human. You love so many people in your lives. You want to live with them, be surrounded by them for your whole life. What happens when they die?? Can you keep them any longer?? Do you want to keep them any longer?? You try to get rid of them as soon as possible!

You think you are free. But are you really? Suddenly I was feeling suffocated in my own body. What an ugly cage for me? For me the freedom was to ask nothing, expect nothing and depend on nothing!! Now I am too shallow to feel it, feel anything! I still pray that whatever I saw, let it be my mind’s imagination.

I can still imagine it as if I am seeing it in front of my eyes. I don’t know why this has affected me so much. It was like a truth that was shown to you involuntarily!! Yesterday one of my cousins was telling me an incident about some relative’s death. The husband crossed the road but after hearing a loud crash turns back to find his wife thrown several meters away on road, dead. I think I didn’t hear anything after. What I remember is the sound of wind blowing furiously in my ears as he rode his bike and I prayed never to make anyone unfortunate enough to see their loved ones die in front of them. And for the first time I started fearing the speed of the metallic ride. No chance to survive the super busy road with super fast vehicles if you lost balance once. My mind almost showed me the scenario. Weird!!

In morning I had realized that I haven’t talked at home for complete two days. It was a big deal because mom makes a point to communicate almost daily. And in case of gap for even one day she would call to ask if we have been too busy to care? I was alarmed of the sudden silence. In evening when could not take more of the annoyance created by the morning incident I called home. Sometimes, when you are ready to be the needle everything around you becomes a hammer. Every time, I talk to my grandparents, all they want to know is when I am coming to meet them. With a very soft caring voice, dadi asked me to visit her. I was trying to recall when was the last time I saw her when she told it has been a whole year!! I smiled to myself, it had been only 5 months!!

Human nature is selfish. No offense in it. It was made this way. You lie when you are afraid, you want something to hold on to when you are afraid, you hurt others when you are afraid, you search for love when you are afraid, you leave when you are afraid...

I apologize if you found this post unpleasant. But what more do you expect from the one who thinks she has been dislocated, forgets the start of the sentence as she reaches its end, who doesn’t feel the need to impress others, who likes treasuring her rudeness, who is fascinated about how loving teaches you to understand God!

Take care friends,

God bless you!

Dil gloom gloom kare...

The day had a gloomy start. I don't know what made it so. The heart was growing very nostalgic. May be it was because I woke up late for work. As I rushed for metro station I realized certain sorrow in the air. May be it was just

my heart playing tricks on me. But soon I realized as I witnessed the leaves falling from the trees. Autumn! I had almost forgotten this season. The yellow leaves of the neem flew somberly as the wind carried them and settled

them on the dark road. WOW...That should make a pretty site, eh? I don't think so...These senile leaves brought a beautiful prose by Waris Shah in my mind...

Aithay kaiiyan nu maan wafawan da,
Tay kaiiyan nu naaz adawaan da.
Asi peelay patay drakhtaan de,
Sanu rehnda khauf hwawan da..

It says as I understand it, in this world some people are proud of their commitments and relations they have made so far, some are proud of their appearances and beauty...I'm like the dry yellow leaf of my tree, I fear even the wind! You can't fight the wind, you are connected to the branch by a very humble cord...a gush of wind and you don't know where will you land!

About two hours of my day that I spent in metro these days, today I spent thinking about how lonely everyone is...staying away from their loved ones...just because they think they are doing what they think is right and should be done...

Usually such moments take me back to my hostel days...I didn't like that place but I never quit because I knew I had to do it. I never asked my parents to visit me because I knew I won't be able to see them off. I never left hostel before my friends left because I thought I won't let them stay alone. I was usually the last to go. Two different kinds of good byes...One that stays behind and promises to be there next time they meet. He finds seeing other go easier. One who leaves and promises to come back. He doesn't leaves willingly but he knows he has to leave.

It's like the tree and the leaf?? WEll, the day has made me nostalgic enough to hear one of my favorite songs...I'm amazed at how it acts on my soul and make it relax...