A Diary Entry

After sitting idiotically with the diary and pen in front of me, I’ve come out with simply nothing. Many thoughts, whirling around, yet nothing worth mentioning...Thoughts of thoughtless state! Zilch...

Am I happy?? Peaceful?? Satisfied?? Because there’s nothing I need to take out of my mind to reach any stable state. Or am I simply “pitifully” confused about whether is this happiness or a pathetic state of cute-little-tired-lovable mind of mine. (I sometimes simply love my brain, but I can’t take it out and kiss it!)

But whatever it is...I feel like writing. Reason? Obviously, there are few, worth taking the pain! Firstly, I’ve bought a new pen and it writes simply SEXY!! I know this is weird but I use this word for pens. I’ve a special soft corner for them! Secondly, I love my handwriting! I can stare at it for at stretch and congratulate myself. It has been long since I’ve actually written something, thanks to MS Word. Thirdly, I don’t feel like doing anything else. But still, I wait for the moment when my brain catches the speed of my pen!!

It’s not always you feel like hopping all around the home and disturb your Dexter brother in his laboratory...!!! This must be very common moment; Thoughtless and satisfied enough to be content with one’s own company with some dormant pain, some hoping wishes, some innocent memories.

You look back at the moment you laughed and you cry! You look back at the moment you cried and you laugh! Such is the beautiful conspiracy of time.

I believe this state is due to tiredness, when nothing is being expected from the outside and inside. A tired mind looks for a shady place to escape the chaos of the world and rest...rest with the heart. The only moment when your mind and heart sit side-by-side and actually agree over matters!! The heart, hurt but smiling with its hand over mind’s shoulders and the mind peacefully crying with its head on heart’s shoulders!! Both are tired...And come to the realization that life has actually tricked them to go opposite ways. They are actually not supposed to be that way...contradicting each other.

It’s life that creates situations when the duo has to act like the piggy man and Bugs Bunny; enemies forever, and sometimes like the oxen Heera and Moti in “Do Bailon ki Katha”; tough guys together! (I apologize for my analogy, I couldn’t find any better) OK! a better one...Timon and Pumba...these guys rock!!

So, for now these guys are resting and having a light moment about life. But this is not the end. They will have to continue with the conflict as this is what makes a person get-going. This struggle is needed to understand the concept of right and wrong. But for now, this very moment is what, that is giving me peace, happiness; Just being myself...no expectations...no complaints...The power of this moment...

Jee li umar saari is pal mein,

Kuch bhi nai ab mere kal mein.

I read it earlier, to check how much satisfied and happy you are, there’s a test. Think that tomorrow is your last day. So, how do you plan your tomorrow, your last day?? What do you need to complete your life or just death? The answers may vary from complex ones like insurance policies, to leaving something for the people behind, to holiday to a desirable place...or just simple ones like having a walk or sipping tea with your beloveds...

Now I imagine Amrit joining the “awesome twosome” under the shade for a bit of relaxation and pamper.

And for you, who have struggled this far to figure out what I have actually tried to write, you deserve my appreciation...and thanks...and sympathy!

Warm Winters

It was a B.E.A.utiful day...!!!  (as Jim Carrey would say)...:)

A cute little baby winter, standing innocently at your door steps, watching you as you wake up...and when you go out to check the weather an adolescent chill pinches your arms...she is just playing with you as she is yet to learn the rules of nature...you don’t have any option other than to just smile and cover that area of your skin with your warm hands...that touch is just enough, to make it warm again. This trick is then passed to the water...it’s cold enough for you to come back to your senses...

As the day proceeds, the cool breeze’s play is still on but is now supported by clouds...and the time when you look out from your window you see pretty shy drizzle falling from sky as if God is now shedding off his last remains of rain from his lap...Aaah! A treat to a longing soul, my Lord!

The noon is quiet and slightly cold; everyone’s sleeping peacefully as if they haven’t slept for ages and need a serious relaxation...You take a look around to find new leaves on the plants and some extremely beautiful and lovely floral species that flourish only in winters...It’s the time for change...new births! Beauty is always inspiring...and what can be more beautiful than this moment that has inspired me to write again...

I have a terrible habit of dwelling in the past that sometimes makes me hopelessly miserable...it takes no time for me to open my memory treasure box and look at the stuffs dumped since time unknown...

I love winters...the first feel of her...just love it! It amuses me when I get confuse on what and how many warm clothes to wear and finally come to decide that let it be just one, after all it’s winter, how can you enjoy it without shivering!!! What’s more pampering than wrapping yourself in a rajaai and just sit idle, being too lazy to move!!! What’s more adventurous than walking through the fog with an icy cold nose...and when you blink you find your eyelids freezing, too!!

When we used to be kids, my brother and I, we used to play with papa what we called “the-cave-game”...two people were supposed to hide inside the blanket and burrow themselves completely and “the wolf” was supposed to look for the weak spot and attack the cave...it was exciting and thrilling!!! I remember, then I used to avoid the quilts because I believed them to be cold stuffs (because their covers used to be so!!!)...then papa used to make me sleep with him in his quilt. It was just trust that made me go to him after my bitter experience, he he, :D...This story is reminded to me by him every winter as if he is telling me for the first time...Then there used be my cute pet cat (now I hope I should have named her, in fact all of 3 generations!), who loved rajaai’s...that furry ball used to sit beside me and we both used to enjoy the warmth...!!!

Home is so beautiful in winters; thanx to my parents’ interest in gardening...It is filled with colorful and elegant floral plants that make me proud every time I look at them. I used to miss home in winters. Partly because of the reason that in college it was usually examination time due to which students were a rare site on campus in the evenings...and for a grieving and afraid heart (due to exams!!) it is almost intolerable. The freezing and dry wind of Rajasthan had a somber silence that it never failed to convey to my heart.

These and so many other memories came gushing over my mind at the mere feel of the cool breeze...Winters are always depicted as cold, unemotional and unpleasant, but trust me, they can be cold only when you don’t have any warm memories...I am sure you all must be experiencing some déjà-vu...I would love to hear it from you...good, bad...any? I must have skipped something...

The change has begun and I can feel it...