A Love Story

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry...”

Yes, right! It’s from the very popular ‘Love Story’ from Erich Segal. The classical so called ‘guide’ to those who in love and those not! From the moment I entered college I was told that this was the elementary course book one must read!! :P But I strongly avoided to even look at it rather touch it for I knew that the female protagonist dies at the end (sorry if you didn’t know the climax! :D ). My reason was simple: Why read such poignant and sad endings when there’s already so much sorrow and problems in the world and moreover sad thingies are for hopeless people!!

AND...Few days back, I accidently found the same book laying on my bed...the book I’ve been mocking so far! And for once my whole first year flashed before me in that moment and I saw it as an escape...escape from this world to a dreamland, from the noise, from my hopeless self! I was desperately wanting to read something, something light and assuring, without heavy dialogs and life’s wisdom...something happy, peaceful, loving and alive, unlike my days!! Forget the sad ending. I can handle it now. I was glad I didn’t read it before because the waste of time that it would have been for me in those days shall be a good time pass now! And someone inside again laughed at me: ‘At the end, you always do or get what you’ve been hating so far!! You poor b****!!’ Maybe it’s God’s way of showing his superiority, making you do what you haven’t ever thought of and not be able to do what you want. Maybe, it’s his way of reminding human of himself. He wants us to miss him!

Where am I taking my life? Is this what I wanted? If we are what we once thought we would be...what the hell I’ve been thinking!! :P It’s frustrating when you have no one to blame...How can you then smile in adversity, huh?? What has made me so rough, frozen and all so negative? For all these years I’ve been wearing so many different faces that now I’m not sure which one is exactly mine! I wake up every morning and say you’ve messed up!! Instead I wish God to wake me up and say, ‘come let’s go home’...

And at this moment, I’m missing my father...a lot! :( Ours is not a typical father-daughter relation but a very unusual and special in it’s own way. Whenever I miss him I recall a very beautiful incident from my childhood: I was 2-3 and father was away for a day. And I missed him like hell (so strong that feeling was it’s still very clear!! :) ) I desperately wanted to be with him. And I’m a type of person who doesn’t know how to overcome emotional impulses and believes in expressing them away. I wrapped my father’s shirt around my neck like a muffler!! :) :) Mother and grand ma tried hard asking me to give it to them so they could wash it but I just couldn’t let it go!! It had an earthy and sweet smell that made his presence felt and I prayed he would be back as soon as possible. Grand ma asked me laughingly about when he would return. I replied firmly, ‘8 (p.m ,I had zero idea when he would return)’ and exactly at 8 I found him standing at our gate!! I wish I was that little child again...with that innocent and pure soul!! :(

The best part in a girl’s life is when she is the princess to her father. So pampered I was that in my first few days of school I never copied my homework from the blackboard, I remember dad coming in my class after dismissal, sitting on that small chair and copying the time table!! And I was just standing close to him, scared and happy at the same time. He wasn’t there with me in hostel but he was still there. Whenever I look at my childhood pics (all clicked by my father) all I could feel is his presence everywhere! So engrossed he was in taking pictures of mine, that I don’t have him with me in any!! He has never ever given any fatherly lectures or emotional speeches but yet his just few words of wisdom and believes conveyed all what he wanted to say. In one of my cousins wedding, he called for all of us (cousins) and by the time we all arrived we found him snoring, ha ha!! (He loves sleeping and does it whenever he gets some time) So, mom woke him up. I was sitting beside him when he talked about the legendary love stories and how much of pure soul and strong faith is required for such commitment and also how much parents’ blessings is mandatory to make it complete.

I have never seen him crying in my life and I can never imagine tears in his eyes and never ever want to. However he has admitted later whenever he felt weak but he overcame his fears or sorrow with so much courage. He’s a real lion-heart. One night I was getting scared to death (the only moment I remember)...he called me near and made me recite ‘aukhi ghadi na dekhan deyi...’ loudly after him. It was magic!! I have many done this before but everytime it was just a consolation, but now literally my fears vanished!! It was my home again, there was light everywhere!! I don't know what made it; my father's recitation or the words them selves...It was a miracle obviously. The reason he remains stable and unbeaten given any situation is because of his strong faith in the All mighty. He sees God in everything he does and everything happening is God’s will. It’s amazing how he is able to do this all the time!! I wonder how he can hide all the disappointments, worries, fears and ‘love’ inside him every single day!

There have been special but short moments I share with him; I remember once he entered my room, he was happy and was smiling. He extended his right hand to give me something but it was covered with his left. I smiled foolishly (because I didn’t know what to do) with a ‘visible’ question mark on my face. He removed his hand to disclose an artificial red rose and handed it to me!! And all I could recall is saying it was beautiful. It was beautiful, I should have kept it. My first flower! How he said it all with just one smile. It is true when people say a father is daughter’s first love and searches him in his husband. In summer nights on terrace he would talk to us about the universe and other stories of wisdom (I now realize how much I loved those times), he is fond of roasting potatoes, peanuts between the meals (that makes mother frown!) and after he is done with his tandoor he would come out of kitchen and say, ‘Come bête, let’s eat’. I knew whenever I left for hostel what he wanted to say but it was at last hide and seeks of our eyes and unspoken goodbyes!

I also recall a very recent moment when I was having a bad temper that I just couldn’t hide from him (and I was really feeling sorry for that). And to my surprise he changed the topic and started telling a funny incidence from my childhood. I guess he knew it wasn’t all my fault. Was he trying to make me smile? Anyways, his work was done; I knew what he meant and nobody was angry any more.

And now sitting here, writing him I ask myself usual question, ‘How can I make him proud of me? Whether he is happy with me or not?’ How can I pay him back? I just want to stand content when he says putting his hand on my shoulder half-hugging, ‘Layak bête ko sab kuch milna chahiye...’

To whom It may Concern

It’s funny to see life changing. Some changes are very gradual; take years but some are sudden!! Some relations take long to either take birth or die and some just moments...And you act like a wooden doll to this ruthless puppeteer called life...

When you were born you knew only about your parents, siblings...then relatives, neighbours and then more. Then you get to make friends in school. You come to know about whole variety of people available on this earth. You get friends with whom you fight, laugh, share thoughts, and confide every day. You begin to think what you will be without them...that these are the friends you want lifelong and will stay all through. Remember the slogan, friends forever and the pledge that whatever happens we would never separate!? I remember my only best friend of seven years in school and after school I never heard from her!!  

Then life takes a sudden turn, your needs and dreams take you to a completely new world and your old world fades away...So many new smiles, new handshakes, new phone numbers, new relationships, new tears, new pains, new lessons to learn! You hardly get time to miss your single-soul-two-bodies friendship. You don’t even realize when it takes a back seat because you are afraid to stop so that you might not lag behind in the pace of life! You dance to the music of life as if you have those magic musical boots on, you can’t help. As you are growing, you see relations and people you meet now are not that simple as they used to be...the more deep the more they hurt and the less true the more fatal!!! There’s a carnival of people, they come they go, they come they stay they go...

You feel sorry for some of them and for some you don’t even realize their exit. Some leave because they could not get anything from you, some just drifted and you wondered what might have happened, some you decide to stay away from, some just couldn’t make it to your present because the paths were different and you couldn’t alter yours for them...And there might be some whom you never were able to forgive and forget...you still miss them but it may be hard to go back to them.

It’s funny; whom you considered important once is now just another number in population. Some of these numbers decide how you ought to behave, when you need to be nice, when you can’t be yourself, when you can be yourself but good one. They come in form of help, a good luck, companion for a short time, a warning, anything...You needed to meet them all, whether you chose or not.

You one day might decide to clean your phonebook and notice the names that you need no more, names with no more valid numbers, names whose faces you don’t remember any more and names that make you happy whenever you see them. While seeing an old family video today I suddenly realized how time changed for me and how badly I now miss that person sometimes. How unfortunate it is to become strangers after being so close. When you accepted the delivery of these good and closed ones from God, you actually signed an agreement that authorized him to take all away any time when he wants, as he wants, to which you don’t have the right to complain but accept.

Ajeeb tamasha hai mitti de bane lokkan da...

Bewafai karo ta ronde ne.

Wafaa karo ta rawaunde ne...

Incredible Azad!

Recently I’ve got to put my hands on an autobiography ‘Wings of Fire’ by the legend Mr. Kalam. What I have is it’s hindi edition ‘Agni ki Udaan’, probably my second hindi book and second autobiography after ‘My Experiments with Truth’ which I hardly remember. I know as usual I am the late reader.

As I am reading the pages, I’m amazed by his simple thinking and simple writing (excluding some hard technical words that are almost painfully indistinguishable in Hindi!!). The writer hasn’t anywhere mentioned his strong points and talents. Instead he writes about his mistakes and how he learnt from them. He is so down to earth and honest when he thinks ‘why I? There are so many hard working and brilliant engineers around’; a great person who is not aware of his greatness is actually so CUTE!!!!!

Like a very efficient doctor has he analyzed what is wrong with India’s development and mind-set (mainly)...it’s almost like a socio-political brainstorming sessions you encounter in any public meeting place from public transport like trains to small shops!!

The story starts with a very obvious beginning: a small village, a very simple self-sufficient family, and parents who are ideal as couple with a wise and spiritual father, a generous and caring mother. He talks about their greatness and how he has always tried to embed their teachings in his science and technology!! Isn’t it common to all of us? Every child sees a hero in his parents but some are really good enough to pay them back!

I remember my first day to school when I was trying to put my belt over my tunic that was coming too loose at my waist. Since the belt was shorter, it was getting clumsy and I was getting frustrated, really frustrated. Imagine your first day at school: not cool...your clumsy dress on first day: more not cool!! Mom scolded me while putting on the belt saying it was such a small problem and I was acting this way. There are even bigger problems to come! I still remember those angry words of mom were like drops of water on boiling milk. Her words have always been a glimpse of God for my life ahead. Whenever I get frustrated I recall that scene. I learnt from dad how to be brave and believe in the almighty. To trust is the easiest thing to do but hardest to maintain!!

Thinking of any of sudden impact from dad I get to recall one situation. Kids do call each other crazy (pagal), it’s very common with the adults as well. Once I used this term for my brother before dad to which he very coolly told me that it’s so mean to use such term, to declare someone mentally ill, one who has lost his senses. I was sure I had heard many highly ‘mean’ words before, so what’s the big deal in this harmless looking term. I don’t know but the way those words travelled inside my head and framed themselves, I grew a very different perception. I began respecting people: words should never be used to hurt others...yes sometimes I’ve been careless with words but I don’t remember if I’ve used this word ever again.

Personal achievements bring spiritual development or actually to be more true it is the other way. Azad ji has never missed to tell it anywhere where he has experienced God. Be it in his work or friends. He talks about his initial days when he had the Rameshwaram shiv temple as well as a mosque nearby that provided an excellent breeding place for his spirituality (he hasn’t talked much about it, maybe because he want us to learn that it’s not the thoughts that matter but how you implement them to grow into a better human!). Ours was a convent school: we played and studied beside a chapel and mother Mary statue...our home is near a shiv temple. Every evening one can hear the bells from the temple as well the nawaz from a nearby mosque and it’s usually that time when I pray for my evening prayer before Guru Granth Sahib (the living guru) at my home!! Such a pleasant environment...He tells how he always works on partnership with God and it made me remember my old days. It was like me and God on a constant conversation, questions and instant answers...

One more thing I especially liked is the way he has praised his friends and fellow engineers, making them appear larger than him. This kind of attitude completely took my attention away. He has never failed to praise people in his life and he does so with so much enthusiasm and honesty!! He talks about making a perfect working environment by hard work and sincerity and at the end complimenting each other. Isn’t this what we are lacking now days? Complimenting people around actually makes you feel good. You get a positive energy of having good people around. I used to be that way: giving compliments was so natural to me. Whenever I liked something I never failed to compliment it: not to please anyone but just trying to brighten the day!! I came to realize this ‘thing’ of me through one of my very good friends. Complimenting is filled with such a childish joy and does wonders. I realized how complimenting mom for food can make her day. Even in the famous book of ‘Life’s little Instructions’ the first point is: compliment at least three people everyday!!! Aren’t in our prayers we compliment God?

I haven’t finished the book yet but I couldn’t help myself from writing these thoughts. Let’s see what’s more to come! I have an inherent habit of marking paragraphs that attract my attention and putting comments where required (something that my grand dad and dad do)! It will be first time that I will be marking first (if ever dad comes to read it)...

Azad ji has so beautifully justified the title saying “We are all born with a divine fire in us. Our efforts should be to give wings to this fire and fill the world with the glow of its goodness.”

‘har din jiyo, jiyale

Jaise jeevan apna paao|

Jab moosal ho, maaro,

Jab okhal ho, chotein khaao|’

For all your days prepare.

And meet them ever alike.

When you are the anvil, bear-

When you are the hammer, strike.

P.S. Did you know they actually have Tipu Sultan (a war scene) pic framed in NASA!!! I knew he was the first to use rockets and the flying fire things in war fare but to be glorified this way, it’s more than just awesome!!!!

ye saali zindagi...

Finally, it rained after so many days of torturing heat and boiling afternoons. As if, God has showered all his peace on this earth once and all. There is sweetness in birds’ twittering and a pleasant holy calmness in the air. It’s like one finally gets a tiny corner to rest after a tedious long day of hardship. Like one gets a glass full of water after acute thirst. Mom is sleeping peacefully rather than cursing the summer and worrying about the world-stuffs. So is dadi.

But it’s not the same for me. For this weather has created unrest in me. The helplessness I’ve been feeling from few days has suddenly gripped tight my fears and anxieties. Why am I running after this illusion? Why am I still hoping for more pain in this myth? Why is one fighting, taking pain, sweating blood...only to be alone at last? What is it we are supposed to search? What choices we are allowed to make...Are these so called choices again conspiracy of an already planned life. It better be this way because then I don’t have to blame me for it.

A highly rich and powerful chief minister of a prosperous state loses his life partner of more than 50 years to death. What was giving meaning to his life before and what it is now? He is crying like any other layman who cries at death of his family member. For whom did he get involved in the dirty-job of politics? Will he be again starting for a new meaning?

“Every time I find the answer, life changes the question!!”

Sometimes, life is like a mother: watching you taking our first step. When you fall, she just stands there smiling and waits till you stand up again and walk to her happily. Her presence is enough for you to get relaxed. Life is then a gift. Sometimes, she is like a cruel boss: abusing you, mocking your worth. No matter how you may have spent your last breath doing a job, he has more work for you and a different way to do it. No room for mercy and definitely no word for appreciation. Sometimes, she is like a heartless friend: You try to please them, giving more than what you have and she is unmoved, indifferent saying “I didn’t ask you to do it”. Sometimes, she is like an annoying blonde waitress: Every time serving you with whatever you didn’t order or serving whatever you ordered cold.

Sometimes, she is like a master and you are her pet dog: looking up at her for her love. She feeds you, opens your chains whenever she likes, put them back on you again. She throws a ball and asks you to fetch it. And when you bring it back, it throws the ball again!! And like every dog you are demanded loyalty at every cost. You stay away from other dogs just to be with your master. The only time you get enjoying yourself is when you dig out your buried bone, play with it or lick it, and again bury it for another time.

At the end, all that matters is one’s perception. How can you better put it in this way? She is like a driving teacher: you think you have the steering wheel and other controls in your hands...but it’s actually he who controls the clutch and accelerator and you are supposed to drive on the path he chooses. To learn to drive you need to trust him completely. And you need to be confident and calm so that he can trust you.

As Abhinav Bindra remarked after winning the gold at the Olympics: "It was a sort of emptiness. You climb the mountain and there is nothing at the top. When you work so hard to achieve something and you get it at the end, there is a feeling of emptiness. But then life goes on..."

A Wounded Silk-II

For connecting better to the story read the first part, A Wounded Silk.

Just as no story should be left untold, no story should be left unfinished...Incomplete stories have possibly many ways to end it and one can leave it onto time and probability or uncertainty…this can happen, that can happen, this could also have happened…But mine had already been written.

It must have been few weeks since I got stuck to this tree but, it seemed ages. It must have been few storms, rains and sunshines but I counted centuries of them. Waiting gets tough when one doesn’t know for what he is waiting and for how long he is to continue hoping? It was the same thing happening to me. I used to get tired after my failed attempts to get free and often got irritated and scared. I don’t know from whom I was angry...the tree, the wind or my wish to fly like the wind. And I know those two cannot be blamed because they are not wrong. It was much later when the purpose of waiting struck me...It was to stop and see the world in a different way. It was my halt for a moment.

It was only when I heard the echo of the wind I realized what place was it. It was coming from some snow covered mountains! I was for a moment awestruck and looked around with rapt attention. The place was surrounded by high mountains artistically drawn with white and brown colors…the earth below was quiet and humble…The stillness of the place could not be shaken otherwise by the echo that swings around majestically before vanishing to the skies…the sky, where the wind lived. It was a dreamland. All this while and I was totally unaware!! A valley so beautiful, shy and splendid in its appearance. Mountains have stood there from ages and thus are wise and humble. How do I know? I don’t know. I could hear shepherds guiding their flocks at some distance and children hopping and singing playfully. It was a pleasant distraction from the pain. The tree provided a vantage point and I enjoyed the little chatter around.

At that moment when the day was descending and the snow was turning back from silvery to white, I saw a little girl standing just beneath me. She was scared and seemed to be hiding from something or someone. She was wearing a woolen single piece dress that covered the whole of her and covered herself with a white muffler. She looked like a cute ball of yarn in that attire. And this cute thing was hiccuping. I was amused. A scared face that was perfectly cut round and red dry chubby cheeks. Her brown hair tightly locked into two plaits that could barely make up to her neck. What was making her hide?

Maybe I should make her aware of my presence and that she is not alone. I tried to reach to her hands...wanted to touch her to comfort her but I couldn’t reach her. My stuck part hurt and I couldn’t pull myself further. Maybe I could get to her shoulders, just rest myself onto them. No success. I swung a bit and managed to stroke her hair. She screamed, jumped and fell down. Oops! I scared her even more. And then she sat looking at me...with her small green eyes wide open. They were the most fine and stunning crystals I have ever seen. They brought a nostalgic feeling...they looked innocent just as I had been once. For a moment I saw a glimpse of my reflection in them. When was the last time I saw myself? Time must have stood still as she stared at me and I swayed between her eyes and my reflection in them. God only knows what was that feeling...fear of seeing me alone trapped in there? Or guilt of scaring the kid? They say if I had a heart I would have known.

A boy came running to her, knelt down and said to her laughing, “Got you, little meow!!”. Oh! Was it a hide and seek? How stupid I am! The little meow picked up a stick and ran after the boy around the tree. Ah! One tough fighter with no more hiccups. And then the boy suddenly turned, lifted the kid and tickled her before they fell down. The kid was still laughing loudly, the fear gone. So was mine...it was so much fun that I laughed and fluttered to my full length.

“Let’s go home kid”, the boy told her. I stopped waving. Is she leaving? Just like that? Does she know I was concerned about her? Does anyone know for how long I have been here? I wanted them to stay. I tried to pull down myself again hastily. Maybe if they return tomorrow they can find me. Wait. I can see those little hands coming up for me. YES! She cares. She unsuccessfully jumped to reach me. The boy then came near and took me off the branch after some efforts. At last! I was free. I remember he wrapped me around her neck and said, “What are you going to do with it. It is without any owner”. And things (people) without any owner are unfortunate. But she lightly touched me…the softest I have known in my span of existence.

For some next weeks, I was in a totally different world. She kept me with her and took me out to play with her friends. I enjoyed with the village kids. The kids kept me busy and happy enough. They used to run around, shout and play and return home at the end of the day. Sometimes she would tie me to a stick and ran. Sometimes she used me to hit some stout boys and I loved it. Sometimes the kids pulled against each other at my opposite ends. It made me weak but this new way of using me was interesting…I often slipped off from the other child’s hands. Little meow laughed when they fell clumsily. I used to get anxious when she slept. Can’t I be out and away? Maybe she can take me to the snow someday?

At those moments, I missed the wind. But now I had no hurry to go back to the wind and no wish to stay with the kids. I knew once she gets a new toy she would leave me but I was not afraid because this was certain that something next would come up or the wind again. Since I was no more useful and beautiful no one could steal me and no one could feel like keeping me safe in a cupboard.

One fine day, I was out with the kids. They were having a bonfire and this time the boy from the first day was also present. He was making them sit in a circle and was probably making them play some new game. Everyone was excited. It required lot of running and when kids are allowed to run they are on wheels! Soon there was chaos all around…chattering, hopping and laughter. It was getting way too lousy for me and I started having an uneasy feeling. I couldn’t hold on longer and didn’t notice when I fell on the ground near the bonfire. I could feel the grass beneath me, hot enough to harm me. I looked out for Little meow but couldn’t make out as every other kid had the same dress. The boy then blew a whistle and directed all of them to a nearby stall. Wait. You forgot me!! Everyone was leaving and I laid there and waited for that single face to turn back. No. Few moments gone. No one returned. I was forgotten.

Now I knew no one will return and if they return they won’t find me. I was finally on a journey…journey from a silk scarf to the wind. As I felt the burning sensation on my end I knew it would take me only few moments. I looked up to the sky. I thought of my people. I wondered where they were at this moment. What were they doing? Did they know I have come this far? Did they know all that I have come to know? Well, they must be safe and cozy somewhere. I had no regrets either. I had an ideal life till I fell in love with the wind, became an outlaw afterward…I saw the world, learnt to fly, learnt to be humble and patient, learnt to serve my purpose…

And what else can I ask more…I will be flying with the wind…after the fire will burn my fabric into fumes that will get dissolved in the wind…No one can stop me then...I will be free...I will be the wind.


P.S. You might think the end is still missing. I have tried  my best to bring it closest to the climax. Still, by nature I like to keep a story incomplete so to allow the mysterious forces to make changes if they wish. So that one can say, And life goes on!