A Love Story

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry...”

Yes, right! It’s from the very popular ‘Love Story’ from Erich Segal. The classical so called ‘guide’ to those who in love and those not! From the moment I entered college I was told that this was the elementary course book one must read!! :P But I strongly avoided to even look at it rather touch it for I knew that the female protagonist dies at the end (sorry if you didn’t know the climax! :D ). My reason was simple: Why read such poignant and sad endings when there’s already so much sorrow and problems in the world and moreover sad thingies are for hopeless people!!

AND...Few days back, I accidently found the same book laying on my bed...the book I’ve been mocking so far! And for once my whole first year flashed before me in that moment and I saw it as an escape...escape from this world to a dreamland, from the noise, from my hopeless self! I was desperately wanting to read something, something light and assuring, without heavy dialogs and life’s wisdom...something happy, peaceful, loving and alive, unlike my days!! Forget the sad ending. I can handle it now. I was glad I didn’t read it before because the waste of time that it would have been for me in those days shall be a good time pass now! And someone inside again laughed at me: ‘At the end, you always do or get what you’ve been hating so far!! You poor b****!!’ Maybe it’s God’s way of showing his superiority, making you do what you haven’t ever thought of and not be able to do what you want. Maybe, it’s his way of reminding human of himself. He wants us to miss him!

Where am I taking my life? Is this what I wanted? If we are what we once thought we would be...what the hell I’ve been thinking!! :P It’s frustrating when you have no one to blame...How can you then smile in adversity, huh?? What has made me so rough, frozen and all so negative? For all these years I’ve been wearing so many different faces that now I’m not sure which one is exactly mine! I wake up every morning and say you’ve messed up!! Instead I wish God to wake me up and say, ‘come let’s go home’...

And at this moment, I’m missing my father...a lot! :( Ours is not a typical father-daughter relation but a very unusual and special in it’s own way. Whenever I miss him I recall a very beautiful incident from my childhood: I was 2-3 and father was away for a day. And I missed him like hell (so strong that feeling was it’s still very clear!! :) ) I desperately wanted to be with him. And I’m a type of person who doesn’t know how to overcome emotional impulses and believes in expressing them away. I wrapped my father’s shirt around my neck like a muffler!! :) :) Mother and grand ma tried hard asking me to give it to them so they could wash it but I just couldn’t let it go!! It had an earthy and sweet smell that made his presence felt and I prayed he would be back as soon as possible. Grand ma asked me laughingly about when he would return. I replied firmly, ‘8 (p.m ,I had zero idea when he would return)’ and exactly at 8 I found him standing at our gate!! I wish I was that little child again...with that innocent and pure soul!! :(

The best part in a girl’s life is when she is the princess to her father. So pampered I was that in my first few days of school I never copied my homework from the blackboard, I remember dad coming in my class after dismissal, sitting on that small chair and copying the time table!! And I was just standing close to him, scared and happy at the same time. He wasn’t there with me in hostel but he was still there. Whenever I look at my childhood pics (all clicked by my father) all I could feel is his presence everywhere! So engrossed he was in taking pictures of mine, that I don’t have him with me in any!! He has never ever given any fatherly lectures or emotional speeches but yet his just few words of wisdom and believes conveyed all what he wanted to say. In one of my cousins wedding, he called for all of us (cousins) and by the time we all arrived we found him snoring, ha ha!! (He loves sleeping and does it whenever he gets some time) So, mom woke him up. I was sitting beside him when he talked about the legendary love stories and how much of pure soul and strong faith is required for such commitment and also how much parents’ blessings is mandatory to make it complete.

I have never seen him crying in my life and I can never imagine tears in his eyes and never ever want to. However he has admitted later whenever he felt weak but he overcame his fears or sorrow with so much courage. He’s a real lion-heart. One night I was getting scared to death (the only moment I remember)...he called me near and made me recite ‘aukhi ghadi na dekhan deyi...’ loudly after him. It was magic!! I have many done this before but everytime it was just a consolation, but now literally my fears vanished!! It was my home again, there was light everywhere!! I don't know what made it; my father's recitation or the words them selves...It was a miracle obviously. The reason he remains stable and unbeaten given any situation is because of his strong faith in the All mighty. He sees God in everything he does and everything happening is God’s will. It’s amazing how he is able to do this all the time!! I wonder how he can hide all the disappointments, worries, fears and ‘love’ inside him every single day!

There have been special but short moments I share with him; I remember once he entered my room, he was happy and was smiling. He extended his right hand to give me something but it was covered with his left. I smiled foolishly (because I didn’t know what to do) with a ‘visible’ question mark on my face. He removed his hand to disclose an artificial red rose and handed it to me!! And all I could recall is saying it was beautiful. It was beautiful, I should have kept it. My first flower! How he said it all with just one smile. It is true when people say a father is daughter’s first love and searches him in his husband. In summer nights on terrace he would talk to us about the universe and other stories of wisdom (I now realize how much I loved those times), he is fond of roasting potatoes, peanuts between the meals (that makes mother frown!) and after he is done with his tandoor he would come out of kitchen and say, ‘Come bête, let’s eat’. I knew whenever I left for hostel what he wanted to say but it was at last hide and seeks of our eyes and unspoken goodbyes!

I also recall a very recent moment when I was having a bad temper that I just couldn’t hide from him (and I was really feeling sorry for that). And to my surprise he changed the topic and started telling a funny incidence from my childhood. I guess he knew it wasn’t all my fault. Was he trying to make me smile? Anyways, his work was done; I knew what he meant and nobody was angry any more.

And now sitting here, writing him I ask myself usual question, ‘How can I make him proud of me? Whether he is happy with me or not?’ How can I pay him back? I just want to stand content when he says putting his hand on my shoulder half-hugging, ‘Layak bête ko sab kuch milna chahiye...’