the New City

New city can really change your life. Especially, after a hostel life where you were only concerned with eating, a bit of studying and friends. It has been two and a half months here in Chandigarh and I’ve really started to get the taste of so-called-fast-forward lifestyle, back-biting corporate environment and save-relationships-before-they-go-into-the-dustbin situations.

My source of inspiration for this blog is my recent bike rides because the only time I get to think about life is when I’m on the pillion seat of my bro’s raven black Pulsar 180. One good thing about Chandigarh roads is that there are no “beauty spots” on roads to “Brake” your thoughts. The only two reasons why you want to slow down are when you have reached where you were headed to and second, when the light goes red. I was always fond of sitting on bikes while someone with good driving skills rode, making an unheard promise of my safety. Of course, travelling CTU city buses is also a very peaceful experience but that makes me sleepy and wish that the bus doesn’t turn abruptly, making me do a goofy in front of others.

Yes, back to the private ride...it is only when you are sitting on a powerful bike and moving at a considerable speed, parallel to the road, your mind gets relaxed and several thoughts (good ones, of course) come gushing in. And it is only then you feel like closing your eyes and tilt your head upwards and feel the strength of the wind coming on your face. The sound then you hear is not of the bike’s engine but the wind that is loudly encouraging you for more speed. It roars in your ears and for a while you are carried away by it. You have heard this sound before…when?? Ahhh...It’s like you are listening to a thunderous black hole...giant, terrifying, yet elegant.

The only disadvantage of this power ride is that your hair gets all entangled and wildly ruffled up...and I love my hairs.

Here I have a two room flat, which I wish to decorate well and make it worth living...A bit of greenery is essential...but all this need to wait for a while. My first concern is to manage my time and priorities. I know I need to work very hard on myself and this is the only time I have got.

Sometimes, I wish to get dissolved in the crowd...Forget myself...my past...like a single star in a galaxy full of billion others. Let the new life empty my cup...spill all my past, pain, short comings. Now, when I get tired and want to relax, I don’t look for a human company anymore but wish I had cute, small and puffy paws playing with my cheeks...that of a puppy or a kitten... strange, isn’t it? Maybe they will sadly wait for me at the gate and get happy at my first glance...maybe I’ll name them after some galaxy or just NEBULA...

Sometimes, I miss my terrace episodes at nights...No more escapes to a wide and silent place...and no more of a dark n starry sky...Life has taken a serious turn with my Sony vaio always opened in front of me with me every time chewing something or gulping a cup of cinnamon tea, thinking if I die here this instant, would anyone bother...or how long it would take anyone to notice...what is better, to allow myself to be carried away by the crowd or sit somewhere safe and find a better way to do my business.

Jaane Kya Chahe Mann Baawra...Akhiyan Mere Saawan Chala

I waited long so that the urge to write down my frustation would subside...but i could not wait longer...I'm really tired and need my mind to rest for a while...Let my frustation help me evolve...

For the lazy sack of unhappiness...(who is me...hi!), I'm responsible and I take the blame on me. It has been years I was ruining my life. As it is well said...The worst kind of extravagance is spending ur life's chances without thinking...and i have been doing the same...and then I ask "why am i still unhappy?" God has been working hard 24X7 to fill my life with some meaning and happiness...but Im spending energy in finding happiness in things that are not supposed to ne mine.

When I try to track my life to find the cause to my grief, I find it all began when I grew afraid of my own lonliness. I forgot that my "aloneness" could be my biggest strength. People become better as they grow old and perhaps as they become aware of their aloneness. I degraded my Pentium IV. It is not a all-loss but I allowed myself to run away from Amrit. I lost her, way back. I could have utilized my days to dive into the vast ocean of life but instead afraid of the aloneness there, I made failed attempts to hold that water in my fistes. Strangely, the result was unhappiness, regrets and more loneliness. Sometimes I dread, my unhappiness could conceive jealousy for others...

Its very suffocating when You have frustation, sorrow, sadness inside ur heart which u want to throw out but you dont have any way! You cant paint, cant write, cant sing but cry and cry and cry. And yes, you still cry because this makes you feel lighter for that time and u begin to trust ur tears. You think they r urs. But then days come when u want to cry and find u cant anymore. There are no tears just a pain. You are hurt badly and u want to shout it out but somebody has blocked ur mouth. Then all u do is sit and stare and wait for that struggle going insideto subside.

Think...u r in a coffin and its just about to close. And u lay inside staring at the clear blue sky thinking about ur loved ones and asking for forgiveness, for their expectations on u that u failed, for ur unfulfilled promises that remained unfulfilled, for life that u chose for urself unaware that their lives were also with u.

Have u ever watched the dark sky at nights? U r in perfect silence and so is ur surrounding. Tilt ur head up, and witness the eternal vastness above. White pearls shining? Suddenly, they begin to grow big, bigger and bigger! and few seconds after u r among them...Shhh!!! peaceful and soothing silence all around. The great cosmic bodies are meditating. The only voice is the one coming from their vibration. That sound purifies u..it has the power to heal u...leave ur heart in a relaxing mode. They all are wise...very wise. U feel the charismatic energy within u...Use this view to calm u down whenever u r tensed and unhappy...God loves u yaar...he is always there beside u...jusr give ur hands into his...no wait....Close ur eyes and transfer ur thoughts to that territory of wise bodies. Feel tha silence and then u will automatically feel their energy. 

Maybe because the vast emptiness outside is the same as the heart shaped vast emptiness inside...

                             Kehne Ko Saath Apane Ek Duniya Chalti Hai 

                                       Per Chhupke Is Dil Mein Tanhaayi Palti Hai 

yaar mere keyboard ki keys saaf hain....spelling mistakes ke liye maafi maangti hun...:P

Another Milestone...but where's the journey?

Today it's been 23 years since I came on this Earth...pretty tough job...i mean this journey...23 milestones and now when i ask myself where m going, i dont have a clear answer for myself...well, this day was different from my previous birthdays...It was a bit similar like any other day...I had no answers for questions like, so,what special did u do today? or what are your plans for this day?

After all these years, when I look back...all the things that I was proud of were mocking at me...friendships, what I used to call my maturity and my wisdom...everything...

I learnt few words today...CHANGE...nothing is permanent...the only permanent thing is change...we should understand if happiness isnt permanent then neither is sadness...our sorrows come when we think that things are permanent...once we realize their volatilility there is no space for grief and sorrow...take each and every things equally important...coz nothing's is going to stay with you forever...and dont surrender urself to change...change shudnt stop us or saden us but shud give us courage to accept whats new...

PURPOSE...everything's got purpose...everything...its our task to figure that out...the purpose of life is living life with purpose...and our only obligation towards life is to fulfil that purpose...anything that comes between us and our purpose is super fluous and needs to be thrown away...and meanwhile dont forget to stop and see the beauty of PRESENT...DESTINATION isnt important ...but JOURNEY is...three important points to remember throughout life...most important time...NOW...most important person...the person u r dealing with now...most important work...the work u r doing NOW...

PARADOX..life is a paradox...it is a mystery, alright...but no need to waste ur time solving it out...

ANGER...one of the natural emotions...its not bad...to be angry with the right person at right time and to the right degree is very critical...i have learnt today that we just need to hold ourselves few minutes, when anger is rising..that moment is critical...if we can stay calm and controled that initial few moments...we can easily prevent the volcano from errupting...par ye bachcho ka kaam nai hai..it requires great wisdom and patience...after that we can hardly recall for what we were boiling our blood...it feels so gud...and moreover it prevents us from the shame and guilt of the consequence...just be quiet...just silent from inside...recall anything good...swearing can also work...anything...but it works...just prevent that moment when anger is building inside you and rest is automatic...

there are many other things that i learnt in these 2 -3 days...a sort of b'day gift from god?..maybe...well then i'll be sharing them next time...till then let me try my new findings...m not gud at being regular...and regularity and consistency is required to move forward in a journey...its upto me to fill my days with something meaningful...and not be empty like m now...