Virtual reality?

Sometimes, life moves so fast...You know you are losing on something but you don’t have much option. I never ever thought what was coming when I wrote “Don’t bug me, hug me!” on a poster for the room. Now I am being paid for finding bugs!! I used to despise hectic office life...zombies rising from bed early morning, flying mechanically in a swarm, spending 9 hours at so-called-work, fly back...start off again! And now, I don’t mind when I see the office herd in the concrete farm mocking me and welcoming me to be a part of it. This is my escape...from myself. Being occupied for 14 hours hardly gives you time for things that you have decorated around for your life. God has been so kind to me, again!! Everytime!! How does he manage to make so many instant changes without affecting others? And how is it perfect for everyone? Now, I can remove things that pain me and keep things for which I can tolerate the pain. Friends call me to make sure I am still on earth and make me realize how boring and silent I have become, that’s so beautiful of them! And allow me to tell you all have enriched my life!!! I still have my moments filled with life so I can’t say I’m drained out.

Today while getting down from the metro stairs I was totally unaware of the incident that would keep haunting me for the rest of the day may be for days. A very normal looking lady was walking ahead of me. As I approached near her, my eyes fell on something in her right hand. It looked like a small stuff toy, probably a puppy...light brown and very clean in texture. As I came closer I realized what I was seeing. I know I didn’t scream but my ears heard it. I quickened my pace and tried to walk away as fast as I could. It was not at all pleasant as I was thinking. Was it a big ginger root?? It was her hand...a deformed one, painfully swollen and huge. It must be heavy for her!

Seeing it I felt as if someone has ruthlessly shaken me from a sweet deep sleep. Seeing it so close, I couldn’t think anything else but ugliness of human beauty. No animal is as ugly and worthless as human. You love so many people in your lives. You want to live with them, be surrounded by them for your whole life. What happens when they die?? Can you keep them any longer?? Do you want to keep them any longer?? You try to get rid of them as soon as possible!

You think you are free. But are you really? Suddenly I was feeling suffocated in my own body. What an ugly cage for me? For me the freedom was to ask nothing, expect nothing and depend on nothing!! Now I am too shallow to feel it, feel anything! I still pray that whatever I saw, let it be my mind’s imagination.

I can still imagine it as if I am seeing it in front of my eyes. I don’t know why this has affected me so much. It was like a truth that was shown to you involuntarily!! Yesterday one of my cousins was telling me an incident about some relative’s death. The husband crossed the road but after hearing a loud crash turns back to find his wife thrown several meters away on road, dead. I think I didn’t hear anything after. What I remember is the sound of wind blowing furiously in my ears as he rode his bike and I prayed never to make anyone unfortunate enough to see their loved ones die in front of them. And for the first time I started fearing the speed of the metallic ride. No chance to survive the super busy road with super fast vehicles if you lost balance once. My mind almost showed me the scenario. Weird!!

In morning I had realized that I haven’t talked at home for complete two days. It was a big deal because mom makes a point to communicate almost daily. And in case of gap for even one day she would call to ask if we have been too busy to care? I was alarmed of the sudden silence. In evening when could not take more of the annoyance created by the morning incident I called home. Sometimes, when you are ready to be the needle everything around you becomes a hammer. Every time, I talk to my grandparents, all they want to know is when I am coming to meet them. With a very soft caring voice, dadi asked me to visit her. I was trying to recall when was the last time I saw her when she told it has been a whole year!! I smiled to myself, it had been only 5 months!!

Human nature is selfish. No offense in it. It was made this way. You lie when you are afraid, you want something to hold on to when you are afraid, you hurt others when you are afraid, you search for love when you are afraid, you leave when you are afraid...

I apologize if you found this post unpleasant. But what more do you expect from the one who thinks she has been dislocated, forgets the start of the sentence as she reaches its end, who doesn’t feel the need to impress others, who likes treasuring her rudeness, who is fascinated about how loving teaches you to understand God!

Take care friends,

God bless you!

Dil gloom gloom kare...

The day had a gloomy start. I don't know what made it so. The heart was growing very nostalgic. May be it was because I woke up late for work. As I rushed for metro station I realized certain sorrow in the air. May be it was just

my heart playing tricks on me. But soon I realized as I witnessed the leaves falling from the trees. Autumn! I had almost forgotten this season. The yellow leaves of the neem flew somberly as the wind carried them and settled

them on the dark road. WOW...That should make a pretty site, eh? I don't think so...These senile leaves brought a beautiful prose by Waris Shah in my mind...

Aithay kaiiyan nu maan wafawan da,
Tay kaiiyan nu naaz adawaan da.
Asi peelay patay drakhtaan de,
Sanu rehnda khauf hwawan da..

It says as I understand it, in this world some people are proud of their commitments and relations they have made so far, some are proud of their appearances and beauty...I'm like the dry yellow leaf of my tree, I fear even the wind! You can't fight the wind, you are connected to the branch by a very humble cord...a gush of wind and you don't know where will you land!

About two hours of my day that I spent in metro these days, today I spent thinking about how lonely everyone is...staying away from their loved ones...just because they think they are doing what they think is right and should be done...

Usually such moments take me back to my hostel days...I didn't like that place but I never quit because I knew I had to do it. I never asked my parents to visit me because I knew I won't be able to see them off. I never left hostel before my friends left because I thought I won't let them stay alone. I was usually the last to go. Two different kinds of good byes...One that stays behind and promises to be there next time they meet. He finds seeing other go easier. One who leaves and promises to come back. He doesn't leaves willingly but he knows he has to leave.

It's like the tree and the leaf?? WEll, the day has made me nostalgic enough to hear one of my favorite songs...I'm amazed at how it acts on my soul and make it relax...

A Love Story

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry...”

Yes, right! It’s from the very popular ‘Love Story’ from Erich Segal. The classical so called ‘guide’ to those who in love and those not! From the moment I entered college I was told that this was the elementary course book one must read!! :P But I strongly avoided to even look at it rather touch it for I knew that the female protagonist dies at the end (sorry if you didn’t know the climax! :D ). My reason was simple: Why read such poignant and sad endings when there’s already so much sorrow and problems in the world and moreover sad thingies are for hopeless people!!

AND...Few days back, I accidently found the same book laying on my bed...the book I’ve been mocking so far! And for once my whole first year flashed before me in that moment and I saw it as an escape...escape from this world to a dreamland, from the noise, from my hopeless self! I was desperately wanting to read something, something light and assuring, without heavy dialogs and life’s wisdom...something happy, peaceful, loving and alive, unlike my days!! Forget the sad ending. I can handle it now. I was glad I didn’t read it before because the waste of time that it would have been for me in those days shall be a good time pass now! And someone inside again laughed at me: ‘At the end, you always do or get what you’ve been hating so far!! You poor b****!!’ Maybe it’s God’s way of showing his superiority, making you do what you haven’t ever thought of and not be able to do what you want. Maybe, it’s his way of reminding human of himself. He wants us to miss him!

Where am I taking my life? Is this what I wanted? If we are what we once thought we would be...what the hell I’ve been thinking!! :P It’s frustrating when you have no one to blame...How can you then smile in adversity, huh?? What has made me so rough, frozen and all so negative? For all these years I’ve been wearing so many different faces that now I’m not sure which one is exactly mine! I wake up every morning and say you’ve messed up!! Instead I wish God to wake me up and say, ‘come let’s go home’...

And at this moment, I’m missing my father...a lot! :( Ours is not a typical father-daughter relation but a very unusual and special in it’s own way. Whenever I miss him I recall a very beautiful incident from my childhood: I was 2-3 and father was away for a day. And I missed him like hell (so strong that feeling was it’s still very clear!! :) ) I desperately wanted to be with him. And I’m a type of person who doesn’t know how to overcome emotional impulses and believes in expressing them away. I wrapped my father’s shirt around my neck like a muffler!! :) :) Mother and grand ma tried hard asking me to give it to them so they could wash it but I just couldn’t let it go!! It had an earthy and sweet smell that made his presence felt and I prayed he would be back as soon as possible. Grand ma asked me laughingly about when he would return. I replied firmly, ‘8 (p.m ,I had zero idea when he would return)’ and exactly at 8 I found him standing at our gate!! I wish I was that little child again...with that innocent and pure soul!! :(

The best part in a girl’s life is when she is the princess to her father. So pampered I was that in my first few days of school I never copied my homework from the blackboard, I remember dad coming in my class after dismissal, sitting on that small chair and copying the time table!! And I was just standing close to him, scared and happy at the same time. He wasn’t there with me in hostel but he was still there. Whenever I look at my childhood pics (all clicked by my father) all I could feel is his presence everywhere! So engrossed he was in taking pictures of mine, that I don’t have him with me in any!! He has never ever given any fatherly lectures or emotional speeches but yet his just few words of wisdom and believes conveyed all what he wanted to say. In one of my cousins wedding, he called for all of us (cousins) and by the time we all arrived we found him snoring, ha ha!! (He loves sleeping and does it whenever he gets some time) So, mom woke him up. I was sitting beside him when he talked about the legendary love stories and how much of pure soul and strong faith is required for such commitment and also how much parents’ blessings is mandatory to make it complete.

I have never seen him crying in my life and I can never imagine tears in his eyes and never ever want to. However he has admitted later whenever he felt weak but he overcame his fears or sorrow with so much courage. He’s a real lion-heart. One night I was getting scared to death (the only moment I remember)...he called me near and made me recite ‘aukhi ghadi na dekhan deyi...’ loudly after him. It was magic!! I have many done this before but everytime it was just a consolation, but now literally my fears vanished!! It was my home again, there was light everywhere!! I don't know what made it; my father's recitation or the words them selves...It was a miracle obviously. The reason he remains stable and unbeaten given any situation is because of his strong faith in the All mighty. He sees God in everything he does and everything happening is God’s will. It’s amazing how he is able to do this all the time!! I wonder how he can hide all the disappointments, worries, fears and ‘love’ inside him every single day!

There have been special but short moments I share with him; I remember once he entered my room, he was happy and was smiling. He extended his right hand to give me something but it was covered with his left. I smiled foolishly (because I didn’t know what to do) with a ‘visible’ question mark on my face. He removed his hand to disclose an artificial red rose and handed it to me!! And all I could recall is saying it was beautiful. It was beautiful, I should have kept it. My first flower! How he said it all with just one smile. It is true when people say a father is daughter’s first love and searches him in his husband. In summer nights on terrace he would talk to us about the universe and other stories of wisdom (I now realize how much I loved those times), he is fond of roasting potatoes, peanuts between the meals (that makes mother frown!) and after he is done with his tandoor he would come out of kitchen and say, ‘Come bête, let’s eat’. I knew whenever I left for hostel what he wanted to say but it was at last hide and seeks of our eyes and unspoken goodbyes!

I also recall a very recent moment when I was having a bad temper that I just couldn’t hide from him (and I was really feeling sorry for that). And to my surprise he changed the topic and started telling a funny incidence from my childhood. I guess he knew it wasn’t all my fault. Was he trying to make me smile? Anyways, his work was done; I knew what he meant and nobody was angry any more.

And now sitting here, writing him I ask myself usual question, ‘How can I make him proud of me? Whether he is happy with me or not?’ How can I pay him back? I just want to stand content when he says putting his hand on my shoulder half-hugging, ‘Layak bête ko sab kuch milna chahiye...’